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Once upon a time people went to church on a Sunday before their Sunday roast. In Britain, many people now do something different before their Sunday roast: a car boot sale.

These microcosms of humanity attract all sorts of characters for all sorts of reasons. There are thousands of car boots dotted across England’s green and pleasant land. This series is an homage to the characters found at the car boot.

For the purposes of this series of three articles, I will split the characters into 3 categories: sellers, buyers and general.

In this article, I will look at sellers. In upcoming articles, I will examine buyers and general characters.

Without further ado, let’s meet the sellers that I have met at the local carboots……

1) Mick the Meat Man/ Frank the Fruit Man 

Mick and Frank are marked out by virtue of being the only people at the carboot to be allowed to advertise their wares with the aid of a megaphone. There is usually an agreement between Mick, Frank and the organiser to bag prime spots with most footfall and for exclusivity, or near exclusivity.

Even though Mick and Frank have a megaphone, they still shout into it. They use quirky language which burrows like a worm into one’s brain. For instance, Frank the Fruit Man might use the singular when the plural is grammatically correct eg: “get your strawberry”, “pound a pound on your banana”.

What not to say to Mick or Frank: Can I pick my own?

***

2) Dodgy Dave – the DVD seller

Everyone knows that pirate DVDs sell like hotcakes at boot sales. This leaves the car boot organiser stuck between a rock and a hard place. If they give Dodgy Dave a pitch, then the organiser runs the risk of having his collar felt by the long arm of the law. If the organiser doesn’t give Dodgy Dave a pitch then buyers feel hard done by and find another car boot that does have a dodgy DVD purveyor.

To overcome this, Dodgy Dave usually sets up stall just outside the boundary of the carboot thereby relieving the organiser of his legal responsibility whilst being close enough to keep the punters rolling in.

What not to say to Dodgy Dave: Does it come with a receipt?

***

 3) Eddie Ebay

Eddie Ebay will swear blind that the widget he has on his stall for £10 sells for £50 on ebay. No amount of bargaining or reasoning will get Eddie to budge on his price.

Ebay Eddie has a hard time understanding that items listed for a certain price on ebay do not necessarily sell for that price.

As a buyer, you will leave Eddie’s stall thinking “what an utter to$$er!”. Don’t feel bad because he will think you are to$$er too.

What not to say to Eddie Ebay: Why haven’t you stuck it on ebay yourself then?

***

4) Harry House-Clearer

Harry clears houses for a living and when he has cherry picked the decent stuff, he depends on markets and carboots to get rid of the dross. Harry’s ‘car boot’ is actually a large white van that bears a painted over company logo. Everything is ’10p’ or you can fill a bag for a pound. Either way, Harry is desperate for buyers to bag his bargains because otherwise he will have to pay for disposal at the dump.

Harry’s dusty wares are usually piled willy-nilly into a hotch potch of unsorted boxes. This is a subconcious nod to what he really thinks of his wares.

What not to say to Harry House-Clearer: Do you offer a gift wrapping service?

***

5) Theresa Tat-Smith

Theresa Tat-Smith is an occassional seller, usually carbooting 2 or 3 times a year after spring cleaning/ decluttering her house.

 Theresa takes the words ‘where there’s muck there’s brass’ rather too literally. You can spot Theresa by the half used bottle of muck moisturiser, broken soap holder and bobbled clothing proudly adorning her stall.

What not to say to Theresa Tut-Smith: Have you got any more half full bottles of perfume?

***

6) Annie Artisan

Annie Artisan is proud of her craft, whether it’s homemade soap, iced cup-cakes or hand-crafted cards. Her products are usually beautiful and always plentiful because no-one buys them. The problem is they are just too expensive for a carboot sale, where most things over a pound are considered a rip-off.

What not to say to Annie Artisan: Will you take 20p?

***

7) Pete Planter

Pete is usually an older male. His green fingers have provided him with a glut of organic produce. Unfortunately Pete doesn’t seem to understand that sealing fruit and veg in plastic bags makes them sweat. Sweaty veg  is not a good look and definitely not a good way to present his homegrown blackberries, celery and broad beans for sale.

What not to say to Pete: Have you got anything fresh?

***

Colin Collector

Colin is a very reluctant seller who has, usually, been forced by his wife to part company with his beloved collection. His collection of stamps, coins, books, railway ephemera etc has been years in the making. Colin loves talking about the stuff on his stall but when it comes to doing the deal, his face looks like you are about to tear the beating heart from his chest.

He can often be seen discouraging buyers and squirrelling items out of sight from his domineering missus.

The only comfort Colin has is the belief that his collection will go to a good home that will love and care for his collection as much as he.

What not to say to Colin: This’ll go well on ebay.

***

9) Percy Perserverer

Although the world is in a constant state of flux, some things remain comfortingly static. Percy Perserverer is one of these static things.

Percy has the same stuff on his stall, week in week out. It is all ’pre-owned’ stock so it is definitely not a question of just restocking items that sell well. It just never sells. Percy is not deterred by the lack of public enthusiasm for his stock - his motto is ‘there’s always next week’. Besides, Percy quite enjoys the social side of carbooting.

God loves a trier and come rain or shine, Percy is certainly trying.

What not to say to Percy: Will you be here next week?

***

10) Malcolm XXX

Malcolm XXX is usually a middle aged bloke who has past his prime. His sweating bulk and expanding beer gut can only be described as a rather odd advert for his wares.

His stall consists of one trestle table (uncovered) with one cardboard box marked ‘XXX rated DVDs – Adults only’.  

Endearing euphemisms do not fool anyone. We all know that that innocuous looking cardboard box is packed with home movies and generally rather rude films.

No one wants to associate with Malcolm XXX – not the surrounding stall holders nor the buying public for fear of being labelled pervs. For that reason, there is usually a two metre exclusion zone around his stall and Malcolm XXX and his box cut a lonely figure amongst the general hustle and bustle of the car boot.

What not to say to Malcolm: anything! (Just avert your gaze, lower your head and pass by as quickly as possible).

***

11) Sam Shady-Shonky

Sam’s stall is noticeable by the absence of a table. His stall is usually a grubby tarpaulin spread on the ground.

The strangely diverse contents of his tarpaulin appear to have come from bags pilfered from outside closed charity shops. Or a bin.

He sometimes sells small electrical appliances or a range of scratched mobile phones or dusty remote controls. All items, of course, are in full working order.

What not to say to Sam: Does it come with a manufacturer’s warantee?

***

12) Jackie Jewel-Awry

Jackie peddles a range of baubles and bling that caters to zeitgeist of the credit crunch. At Jackie’s stall you can get imitation Pandora beads imported from the far east.  Jackie’s beads cost 50p each, an entry level Pandora bead costs a minimum of 3o quid. As long as you keep your arm moving, no one will notice the difference.  

You can also stock up on cheap bling at Jackie’s stall without fear of setting of any metal detector you may encounter in future.

Viva the pollutant-belching factories of China!

What not to say to Jackie: Is that a real diamond?

Readers:

How many of these colourful characters do you recognise from your local car boot?

Have I missed anyone?

If you enjoyed this article, try:

Part 2: about  car boot BUYERS.

Part 3: about GENERAL CHARACTERS seen at the car boot.